Your Hope is an Illusion, Old Fool

Game Review: Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty

Jim Raynor and his rebel forces attempt to capture ancient alien artifacts to sell on the black market and fund their revolution to destabilize Arcturus Mengsk' tyrannical stranglehold on the Koprulu Sector, but soon finds himself at the centre of a scheme to return Kerrigan's humanity and remove the leadership of the Zerg. Meanwhile, Zeratul warns from the shadows that an apocalyptic threat is on the horizon. Stars the voice talents of Robert Clotworthy, Tricia Helfer, Frank Tatasciore, Neil Kaplan, and Brian Bloom. Technical design by Dustin Browder, artistic design led by Samwise Didier, and written by Chris Metzen. Released for PC in 2010.

There's a lot to like about Starcraft II. The position has been taken that the gameplay formula and rock-paper-scissors strategies of the original are good enough and don't need to be messed with. The game looks beautiful, plays fluidly, and rewards experimentation, ingenuity, and unpredictability. Even as a guy who's not very good at it, I know I'm playing a great game. However, Starcraft II fails to surpass its predecessor in pretty much every field but technology. Does it need to be surpassed? I suppose that's a whole other discussion. The single-player campaign is my major complaint. It's very fun to play, don't get me wrong. It's challenging and has a lot of replay value, and is a unique experience from the multiplayer. That's about it. The new characters are very shallow and one-dimensional, and the veteran characters ring false more often than true. The dialogue is atrocious, and while the original's briefings were admittedly limited in scope, at least they had a little talent behind them. This feels spread very thin. All that aside, there are some glaring story elements that just don't make any sense. Its saving grace is a series of side missions involving Zeratul, but they only last so long and fail to make up for the absence of a full protoss campaign. I really hope that the negative response to the campaign will result in some improvement in the expansions to come, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Starcraft II's gameplay is enough to make it a success, but it's not a work of art. I think a legacy has ended.

You're Gonna Miss This Ass

Game Review: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Nathan Drake and his partners in crime begin a globe-trotting search for the missing fleet of Marco Polo, but soon find themselves in a desperate race to Shambhala against a power-crazed maniac. Stars the voice talents of Nolan North, Claudia Black, Emily Rose, Steve Valentine, and Graham McTavish. Directed by Amy Hennig and Bruce Straley, game design led by Neil Druckmann and Richard Lemarchand. Released for Playstation 3 in 2009.

Generally with video games you have to apply a few blinders. Dialogue is only ever rarely going to be masterful, voice acting is going to be, best case scenario, at par. Obviously as the industry has expanded some of these have been ironed out or improved, but Uncharted 2 leapt ahead, and gave us a game that was spectacularly cinematic and gave blockbuster movies a run for their money. Uncharted 2 is written better than many films, and while the gameplay is fun and the graphics are gorgeous and lifelike, it's the strength of that script that carries the player along, and it's a desire to see what happens next that propels you. The characters are exceptionally well-drawn, the voice acting is top notch, and whole sequences of the playable game involve good lines and great cinematography. The world is incredibly immersive and detailed, and the story itself is exciting and tense, with a degree of supernatural restraint not often seen in games. Uncharted 2 is a masterpiece of its genre.

Blood Orgy!

Game Review: Mortal Kombat

Seconds from death at the hour of Armageddon and the hands of Shao Kahn, Raiden sends a message back through time to his earlier self: "He must win." What follows is a retelling of the first three titles on a potentially different timeline. If this sounds familiar it's because you've seen 2009's Star Trek. Stars the voice talents of Richard Epcar, Garret T. Sato, Megan Hollingshead, and Bob Carter. Directed by series co-creator Ed Boon with design led by John Edwards and Paulo Garcia. Released for XBox 360 and Playstation 3.

An explosive, detailed, and careful return to form. The fighting engine is fantastic, the graphics are impressive, and the game is, by a fairly wide margin, the most violent of the series. The inclusion of the Challenge Tower and multiple modes of play allow for greater replayability in both single and multiplayer. My only complaints are trifling: I feel like the alternate costumes could look more distinctive, in most cases they could easily have been the primary; some of the fatalities are pretty much shot-for-shot remakes from earlier games; and the Krypt has an arbitrary and illogical navigation. Nevertheless, a lot of fun, and a welcome addition for veteran fans of the series and enthusiasts of fighting games in general. The Story Mode is spectacular, and such a straightforward idea I'm amazed this is the first fighter to do it. While the story itself tends towards the cheeseball, there are still some moments of what I'm willing to call stirring beauty.

How to Get Excommunicated

A Maximum Orange Easter Special

After all the necromancy, Norse runes, Halloween parties, Dungeons & Dragons, eating meat on Fridays, living in air-conditioned homes, sleeping on a bed whose head points east, and gay sex, I know at this point I'm not exactly Catholic in the eyes of God, which is a good start, but what about God's insidious army, the Catholic Church? Legally, they still own my soul, which might sound like no big thing, but the prospect of transubstantial possession just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I've just seen one too many episodes of Quantum Leap.

So you want to get excommunicated? It's surprisingly difficult. I know, "It's the Catholic Church, shouldn't they hate me?" On paper, though, they hate what you do, believe in, live for, and will fight to defend, but they don't hate you specifically. Or, like, they don't hate your physical body. The numbers of people who are raised Catholic and then mature into sin are difficult to come by, and the Church is probably content to leave it that way, so that the religiously confused can feel even more alone and ostracized. The Church is banking on passionate changes of heart, and so are hesitant to sever ties with even the most wayward of lost souls. Reviewing Catechistic precedent, automatic excommunication becomes easier the higher up the Catholic hierarchy you get. Priests and bishops get the express aisle. For the rest of us, three major options are available.

Heresy - Speak up and let everyone know about your dark and various gods. Promote your blasphemy in a public forum and an official capacity, and according to Catholic law, you're out. But you can't just be joking, so atheists are out of luck. If in fact you have joined a cult, though, you're all set.

Desecration - If you have access to the Eucharist, consider it an in. Throw it in the garbage, feed it to ducks, serve it on a cheese platter, and if enough people see you, you are automatically excommunicated. Unfortunately you can't just steal the unsanctified wafers; those are just crackers. You have to wait until the crackers are imbued with the sweet essence of Christ, which would probably entail attending a mass. This is actually one of the easier methods, but you gotta be pretty fucking brazen.

Papal Harassment - Physically assaulting the Pope is by far the most secure way to get excommunicated, and sounds the funnest, but is inevitably the most difficult these days - thank you very much Mehmet Ali Agca - and may get you shot, or impaled on a Swiss Guard halberd.

The Australian Atheist Foundation advises those seeking excommunication to write letters to their local priests. This yields no results; priests lack the power to excommunicate and will not refer you to someone who can. They will instead reply that if you seek to be excommunicated, then you must recognize a power to the Church, and if you do, shouldn't you stay in it? And if you don't, then why bother excommunicating? They will hope you are guilty of the sin of sloth and appeal to your lethargy. You instead have to write your local bishop, probably several times. Your correspondence must verify your Catholicism with details of your baptism, demonstrate that you know what excommunication is and that you totally want it, as well as give an example of your apostasy, in both intent and action. You have to mean it, and something has to have happened, otherwise you're just a bad churchgoer. Fail on any of these grounds and your pleas will be ignored. Be polite. It's recommended you avoid getting into why you want to be excommunicated, as this can lead to appeals to your sensibilities, which even if they fail draw the process out longer and threatens to prey on your indifference. But persevere, and you will hopefully, eventually, be a free agent soon enough.

Mormons have it slightly easier. They just have to make sexy calendars. Which I don't endorse, but I do enjoy.

Skunk

Movie Review: Half Baked

Thurgood, Brian, Scarface, and Kenny are best friends connected largely by their love of getting stoned. On a snack run, Kenny accidentally kills a diabetic police horse and ends up in prison, where the threat of being anally raped constantly looms. His friends resort to stealing and selling pot to raise bail money. Stars Dave Chappelle, Jim Beurer, Harland Williams, and Guillermo Diaz. Written by Chappelle and Neal Brennan, and directed by Tamra Davis, fairly prolific and generic comedy director whose credits include Crossroads. 1998.

As they were produced in the same year, Half Baked and The Big Lebowski can't really help but invite comparison, and especially in that light, Half Baked is a fucking disaster. It's not funny, its characters are unsympathetic caricatures of do-nothing idiot stoners, and it seems to have a low opinion of the people for whom it was ostensibly made. Now fine, Lebowski is maybe more high brow, but whatever, Half Baked wasn't even low brow funny. And what kind of stoner comedy ends with the main character giving up pot for a girl whose only real attraction is that she will have sex with him? Unstimulating, insulting, and who the hell shoots a scene in front of Sam the Record Man when you're trying to disguise Toronto as New York? I mean, christ, at least pretend to make an effort.

Fun, Rich, Always in Trouble

Movie Review: The People vs. Larry Flynt

A chronicle of the rise to power of Hustler founder Larry Flynt, and his excruciatingly long legal battle over the limits of the first amendment. Stars Woody Harrelson, Courtney Love, Ed Norton, and Brett Harrelson. Directed by Miloš Forman. 1996.

Even as your watching it, The People vs Larry Flynt seems charitable to Larry Flynt, but really, he could use a fucking break, and the film doesn't pretend to be a beat-by-beat life story, omitting such details as Flynt's other wives and second lawyer (the one who actually got shot). Even so, the story of Larry Flynt is an important one to tell, and it is told well here. Harrelson plays Larry Flynt the infamous douche with a heart of gold, and also sells his disability. And seriously, who better to cast as skanky junkie Althea than Courtney Love, the modern queen of the skanks? This is a great movie for enthusiasts of both pornography and civil liberties. It turns out I've seen a few other films by director Forman, but hadn't been paying him any formal attention. If anyone can recommend any of his Czech films I'd like to give them a try.

Big Trees & Pissy Little Bugs

Movie Review: Animal Kingdom

After the death of his mother, teenager Joshua moves in with the family from which his mother was estranged, a notorious crime family in Melbourne, in which he quickly becomes assimilated and complicit. Stars James Frencheville, Ben Mendehlsohn, Guy Pearce, and Jacki Weaver. Written and directed by David Michôd, and released last year.

A surprisingly compelling crime drama, Animal Kingdom hinged largely upon the depth of newcomer James Frencheville's talent, and he delivers a performance that seems at first fairly simple but becomes a much more demanding role as the film progresses. An added benefit is a very well-written and believable character, who acts like a regular teenager in extraordinary circumstances. The rest of the ensemble cast is exemplary, each member of the family very well-drawn and organic. Mendehlsohn's Andrew is an especially terrifying presence, at once quiet, unassuming, and psychotic, and Weaver's sinister/motherly grandmother is superb. A couple of false endings damage the pace of the film, but the viewer is never disappointed that they stuck around. One of the best films of 2010 I've seen.

Who Would Have Thought a Small Amount of Liquid Would Ever Fall On Me?

Movie Review: Signs

Widowed ex-reverend Graham Hess at first shrugs off the crop circles in his cornfield as kids playing pranks, but it soon becomes apparent that they are tied to a large-scale global invasion by aliens. Stars Mel Gibson, Joaquin Phoenix, Rory Culkin, and Abigail Breslin. Written and directed by M. Night Shyamalan and released in 2002.

I don't mind Signs as much as I probably should. There's a lot of religious overtones and a plot of interconnection that seems to be a half-hearted answer to "why does God let bad things happen to good people?" Its aliens have too many magical powers, and it has a twist - that water is toxic to the aliens - which is pretty stupid. Aliens invade a planet mostly covered by water, populated by creatures largely composed of water, where it is prone to rain, and devise or use no means of protecting themselves even though they're clearly technologically advanced? Signs was a film that would've really benefited from the loss of its twist and its insistence on trying to be clever. Narrowing the focus of an alien invasion to a single isolated family is a cool idea that came very close to working. It's got a pretty good cast (I still think Gibson's a good actor in spite, or perhaps because, of his very obvious psychosis), it has moments of high tension, and offers what is at first an interesting take on a classic premise.

The Superego Problem

TV Review: Fringe, "Lysergic Acid Diethylamide"

With Bell's consciousness at risk of destroying Olivia's, Walter and Peter become more frantic in their efforts to separate them. Walter and Bell devise a scheme to enter Olivia's mind and attempt to free her. Guest stars the voice of Leonard Nimoy, directed by Joe Chappelle.

This episode promised to be another focus of Bell-possesses-Olivia again, which I was already getting tired of. Then when the dream sequence began, it felt like a very derivative and tacky imitation of Inception and I was getting used to the idea of hating it, despite liberal use of LSD, which I wish I would see more of on TV. From there, however, it quickly became a very stylistic and unique milestone for the series, and it made me glad that this is a show I watch. The animation was pretty awesome, reminded me a lot of Waltz With Bashir, and was put to good effect for what had otherwise been a rather banal interpretation of Olivia's subconscious. And not only did the episode serve as a fond farewell (though I hope it's the last) to William Bell, but also possibly introduced what the show has lately been lacking: a new villain. The episode also benefited from the extra attention paid to Broyles, who generally goes unnoticed. But poor Astrid never got to do any acid.

Great Artists Steal

Comic Review: House of Mystery, "The Conception"

The House of Mystery departs the Goblin Market with Fig and Cain inside, leaving them to face the Conception alone. Elsewhere, the newly resurrected Keele boys reunite with Harry in an attempt to find Fig. Now seemingly free from the House, the other regulars toy with the idea of going back to the lives they left behind. Written by Matthew Sturges, art by Werther Dell'edera for most of it with Luca Rossi returning on the last part, as well as different guest authors and artists on virtually every issue. Issues 31-35 of the ongoing series.

So I've been reading House of Mystery since it came out, and I'll say off the bat it is an occasionally frustrating series to follow. It's got a cool, wacky premise, a high fantasy setting of absolutely limitless possibility, and it's possessed of a modern self-conceit that allows it to liberally mock itself. The problems are unfortunately many: protagonist Fig has virtually no motivation, is emotionally fickle, and manages to be a pretty boring person. The rest of the cast isn't much better. The plot itself is at times excessively convoluted, and the answers when we get them tend to be half-assed and poorly explained. While there was a lot of cool atmosphere in the early arcs, now most of those elements have been done away with and there's just not a lot going on that anyone seems invested in.

"The Conception" story arc doesn't really fix anything but at least rolls the ball a little further than any arc before it has. Nevertheless, everything here feels a lot like treading water for issues at a time, and then a climax followed quickly by a cliffhanger. Fig is still pretty intolerable, the Keeles + Harry spend three issues walking nonchalantly through doors, and the rest of the characters are content to wait and see what happens next. A few of the shorts were all right, but are woefully short, and their connection to the plot is usually a stretch. The short "Great Artists Steal" (Sturges' postmodern apology to Neil Gaiman?) while one of the better features is told as a parable to Fig by Cain which is (for one, out of character, and for two:) fairly unrelated to the matter at hand, and has Cain just explain the moral afterward to try and draw it back. There's a lot of just going through the motions, and I can't shake the feeling that Sturges doesn't actually have a plan at all. The strength of the series when it began is absent, and while I hope it finds a good pace again, if I see no signs of improvement soon, I'll have to reconsider it among my monthlies.

My Mind Has Changed My Body's Frame

Comic Review: World of Warcraft, "Curse of the Worgen"

The human nation of Gilneas has been isolated for decades and now is being overrun with savage wolf-creatures. Celebrated detective Halford Ramsey investigates brutal murders and finds himself at the heart of a burgeoning conflict. Written by James Waugh and Micky Neilson, both Blizzard story guys, art by Ludo Lullabi and Tony Washington. A standalone miniseries of five issues.

For those who haven't had that conversation with me yet, I've read the whole of the World of Warcraft comic series, and found it disappointing for most of its run. That's another discussion. "Curse of the Worgen" isn't a mind-blowing comic by any means, but it's a good comic and complements the game. It serves as a parallel companion piece to the worgen starting narrative, and though it has the same problem the original comic series had - filling in blanks in the story that shouldn't really be there in the first place - it's mostly dealing with side issues and not the main plot, and the worgen starting experience has a fairly strong storyline despite what's missing. "Curse of the Worgen" elaborates heavily on the initial attack on Gilneas City, the character Belrysa who is really just a walk-on quest-giver in the game, as well as the somewhat inexplicable relationship between Gilneas and Darnassus. It still suffers from some unanswered questions, and Lullabi's more muscular races still look way too exaggerated, but this is probably the strongest Warcraft comic yet released, and I'm cautiously excited to see what they do next, which has been a while.

Wherein the Hero Digs His Own Grave

Movie Review: Lady in the Water

Cleveland Heep, the superintendent of a Philadelphia apartment complex, comes across a mysterious woman who calls herself Story and is revealed to be some sort of supernatural water-nymph. She has come to this place with a specific purpose, but is harried by attacks of monstrous wolf-like creatures. As Story's presence ignites something not only within Cleveland but the rest of the complex's residents, he resolves to help Story fulfill her mission and return safely home. Stars Paul Giamatti, Bryce Dallas Howard, M. Night Shyamalan, and Jeffrey Wright. Directed and written by Shyamalan and released in 2006.

Lady in the Water came at a pivotal time in Shyamalan's career. He had backed himself into a very specific corner and because he was now so widely known as the guy who puts giant plot twists in his movies, it got to a point where everyone saw them coming a mile away. Lady in the Water was to be his first movie without a twist, of course it turned out to have one anyway, and Shyamalan claimed it was the movie which was closest to him emotionally. I think he may have meant: the movie in which he most liberally indulged himself. He plays, in the movie he wrote, a writer whose work is world-changing, but incendiary enough to result ultimately in his assassination. There is also, in something of a preemptive strike, an asshole film critic who gets everything wrong and is the movie's sole fatality. The central myth is overcomplicated, overexplained, and relies too heavily on straight-up exposition. Paul Giamatti is well cast and performs admirably with the limited resources the script allows, but Bryce Dallas Howard doesn't really sell her role, and while some of the kooky residents are fun, the characterizations are shallow and come across as silly at times we're meant to take them seriously. It is well-shot and the creatures are cool, but are too little too late. The lesson: it's alright to fantasize about being an artistic revolutionary and martyr - I mean, who doesn't? - but to expect an audience to enjoy you indulging those fantasies is asking too much.

Everyone Loses

Movie Review: Ghosts... of the Civil Dead

In the events leading up to a lockdown that lasted for over a month, both inmates and guards at a privately run maximum security prison in the middle of the Australian outback find themselves being pushed into an altercation with each other. Stars David Field, Mike Bishop, Chris DeRose, and Dave Mason. Directed and written in part by John Hillcoat. Music by Nick Cave, also credited as a writer and plays a secondary role in the film. 1988.

Great performances, bloodily violent, and a fairly thought-provoking and disturbing examination on the use of fear by the media and government to control the masses with a subtle hand. There's a ring of almost sci/fi through the use of its computer screen narration and sensationalist newscasts (I might just be mistaking actual 80s style as the 80s trying to predict the future), but by the time the tension builds to its crescendo, it all comes off as very plausible and terrifying. Nick Cave's music is sparsely used - most of Ghosts has no ambient music - and very creepy.

Doppelgänger

Movie Review: Black Swan

Nina is a tightly wound ballerina at a high profile New York ballet company. Already pretty unhinged, she is pushed to the edge when she wins the lead in a production of Swan Lake, and her world begins to unravel. Stars Natalie Portman, Vincent Cassel, Barbara Hershey and Mila Kunis. Directed by Darren Aronofsky.

Black Swan examines the madness and self-destruction inherent in success in ballet similar to the fashion that The Wrestler looked at wrestling in 2008, and Aronofsky apparently considers them companion pieces to each other. Nina's delusions are their whole own thing, but after seeing the strains endured by the bodies of the dancers as highlighted by the film, mustn't they all be at least a bit crazy? Nina's mother Erica, director Tomas, and predecessor Beth are all severely unbalanced but their madness presents itself  in more functional (I guess) capacities. Very entertaining, moments of incredible tension and creepiness, and pretty solid effects put to great use.

At Least It Wasn't All Just a Dream

Movie Review: The Village

A 1900s-era community in Pennsylvania lives in a land surrounded by a forest inhabited by mysterious, dangerous creatures who are kept at bay by elaborate rituals and an ancient truce with the village elders; the villagers stay out of the forest, and the creatures stay out of the village. But when Ivy Walker's close friend is brought to the brink of death, she volunteers to save him by traversing the forest and getting medecines from the surrounding towns. Stars Bryce Dallas Howard, Joaquin Phoenix, William Hurt, and Adrien Brody. Directed and written by M. Night Shyamalan in 2004.

Critically, The Village was generally viewed as Shyamalan losing his touch. The twist (that the community, despite its turn-of-the-century trappings, actually exists in modern isolation and that the creatures are a myth to keep the young villagers from leaving) didn't creep up on audiences in the same way it did in his earlier films, with many guessing it based off the trailer alone, robbing it of much of its gravitas when the veil was lifted in the movie itself. This is coupled with Shyamalan's cameo which pretty much serves as an unnecessary exposition that lays out all the details of how the twist "could work," which only serves to suggest that it wouldn't. The Village was a film that would have benefited by another writer's temperance, and suffered from Shyamalan's attempt to essentially fool his audience. But the movie is nevertheless well-acted, still scary, and the characters have a depth and emotional weight to them that makes it an ostensibly good watch. The cast is flush with skill, with many of the supporting cast played by talented character actors, and it also has a good twist of plot (subverting Lucius with Ivy as the protagonist) which gets quickly overtaken by a looming twist of premise.

Wackiest Elseworlds Ever

Part 8 of a Mortal Kombat Retrospective

Armageddon was treated as the last game in that era of Mortal Kombat, and after its release Ed Boon promised fans that the next game would be much grittier, darker, and serious. There was a lot of talk of a reboot, which was becoming a popular strategy for many other franchises, and independent concept art of re-imagined characters began surfacing. Really, though, everyone was guessing wildly and didn't know what to expect. Eventually, the announcement came that the next fighting game in the series would be Mortal Kombat vs DC Universe, and everyone turned to Ed Boon and asked in unison: "dark and gritty?"

Now, best of times, I'm personally not a fan of crossovers. Theoretically, the two franchises are suited to the possibility as they are both universes that purport the existence of multiple realms or realities, but it nevertheless seemed like a perplexing marketing ploy, and a ten-years-late answer to Marvel vs Capcom that it failed to live up to in virtually every capacity. The fighting engine did away with the style-based fighting of the last three titles and returned to a 2D fighting plane, standardizing most of the basic moves and supplementing them with special moves unique to each character - essentially an elaboration on the original three games. New elements were added in the form of in-round mini-games: free-fall kombat, where fighters were knocked out of the ring and battled as they fell into a new arena; close quarters kombat, which was essentially an involved grapple; and kombat rage, which would allow fighters to ignore interruption from damage.

Making a crossover meant that half the cast had to be used on DC characters, and so only the more mainline kombatants made appearances. The MK cast was composed of Raiden, Sub-Zero, Scorpion, Liu Kang, Sonya, Kano, Shang Tsung, Jax, Kitana, Baraka, and Shao Kahn as the boss character. Appearing from the DC universe were Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, Lex Luthor, the Joker, Green Lantern (Hal Jordan), Captain Marvel, Catwoman, the Flash (Barry Allen), Deathstroke, and for their boss, Darkseid. Then, there's a fusion of both Darkseid and Kahn, creatively named Dark Kahn. The story took place after Mortal Kombat 3, giving it something of an anomalous status in Mortal Kombat continuity, but as a release, it was and is still considered Mortal Kombat 8. The story presented in the game's Konquest mode was as good as it could be, but was perhaps over-concerned with creating a reality this game could take place in and evening out the relative power base of all characters so that the prospect of Superman or Wonder Woman losing fistfights with humans wouldn't seem quite so ridiculous. The arcade endings, meanwhile, were almost universally stupid or inane.

Despite critical success, the game didn't sell too well, with most players opting to rent as opposed to buy it, and with little in the way of unlockable content and thus not much replay value, I'm not losing sleep wondering why. The game was a disappointment to fans on several fronts, but most notably, one of the concessions made to WB for the use of the DC license was to tone down the violence considerably so that it could get a Teen rating from the ESRB. DC heroes didn't have Fatalities but rather "Heroic Brutalities" which didn't actually kill the opponent, and what Fatalities were left for the MK characters and DC villains were the tamest to ever appear, going so far as to occasionally avert the screen to avoid kill shots. The game didn't end up garnering enough interest to merit any downloadable content (although this was blamed on the impending bankruptcy), and Midway allegedly scrapped plans to release a bundle adding Quan Chi (which made sense as he was heavily involved in the plot) and Harley Quinn, and a second adding Kung Lao and Doomsday.

As a fan of the DCU it was fun to play as a bunch of characters from the comics, but if anything this suggests that Warner Bros. should just invest in a DC fighting game, as their cast suffered from the same small size and thus notable omissions. I did think it particularly unusual that Deathstoke, of all people, was included, when characters like Nightwing, Two-Face, Sinestro, Circe, Hawkgirl, or Martian Manhunter were left out. Decisions like that wouldn't be a problem if the universe was treated to a full cast. No talk of a sequel.

In 2010, only a few months before the announcement of the latest game, a short film of a reimagined Mortal Kombat universe appeared on the Internet. Directed by Kevin Tancharoen and starring Michael Jai White and Jeri Ryan, the trailer showed a Mortal Kombat considerably more grounded in reality; Baraka was a failed cosmetic surgeon who made himself into a bladed monster; Reptile was a freak of nature; Shang Tsung was a crime boss. Proposed as a treatment for a reboot of the film series, it was later announced that it would be developed as a web series, Mortal Kombat Legacy, tied into the release of the new game. Taking a radically different approach to a franchise with a large fanbase is always risky, but at the very least, Tancharoen demonstrates he's a fan of the series who knows his stuff, and the series looks like it'll be the first adaptation that at least tries to be as gory and violent as the game.

What prompted this lengthy retrospective was of course the upcoming release of the ninth installment of the series, simply titled Mortal Kombat. Like the latest Star Trek movie, Mortal Kombat aims to have its cake and eat it to, being a sequel, prequel, and series reboot at the same time. Raiden, on the verge of defeat, sends a message back in time to himself, and the game is supposedly a second treatment of the storyline for the first three games.

Based on the demo and all the promotional material I've seen, the design team is doing everything right. The fighting engine is a mixture of the best elements from both the major eras of the franchise, the player animations are entirely unique (a series first) and it's gruesomely violent; probably the bloodiest game in the series. It looks fantastic, and there's a presence of detail in virtually all aspects of the game's style that I think will make it enduring, and hopefully make it relevant in a genre dominated by good but unfortunately tame titles. At the very very least, Mortal Kombat promises to be a total fucking gorefest. Slaughter on.

One For All

Part 7 of a Mortal Kombat Retrospective

After the popularity of Mortal Kombat: Deception and Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks, Midway announced that they hoped to be producing a new title in the franchise every year, and the seventh fighting game of the series, Mortal Kombat: Armageddon, was released in the fall of 2006.

One of the earliest boasts of Armageddon was that it would have every fighter ever featured in Mortal Kombat, which gave it a bloated roster of sixty-three fighters. It was also the first game to allow players to create their own fighters, and their own finishing moves. The fighting engine was largely duplicated from Deception and Deadly Alliance, but added the ability to parry attacks, and had a larger focus on combat in the air, something the previous two games had virtually none of. The Konquest mode used the engine from Shaolin Monks, and told the story of ancient Edenian prince Taven and his battle against his evil brother Daegon, the sole new kombatants introduced in the game, and set the stage for the conflict at the heart of Armageddon. It also featured "Motor Kombat," an MK-style cart-racing minigame.

Unfortunately, Armageddon failed to live up to its hype and quickly fell under criticism for a number of glaring drawbacks. Perhaps most noticeable was the fact that any character who had been in Deadly Alliance and/or Deception simply had their models from those games recycled (with the exception of Reptile, who used instead the costume featured in Shaolin Monks). This meant that the only characters who had any work done on them were Kintaro, Stryker, Rain, Sheeva, Motaro, Fujin, Reiko, Jarek, Kai, Meat, Chameleon, Sektor, and Sareena. Plus, the addition of the player-created fatalities took the place of standard fatalities and hara-kiris, and the fatality system was generic, hard to pull off well, and didn't look very good even if you did. Each character had only one unarmed style (down from two) and one weapon style. Also missing from the game were character biographies, and the arcade mode endings were just the victor doing katas atop a giant pyramid while their ending was narrated. I'm not going to claim that every ending in previous games were good, but the endings of Armageddon have to be the worst and most thoughtless in the series. To remedy the lack of biographies, Midway started posting ones for individual characters on their website, and though they did post a bunch, they stopped doing it probably a third of the way in, leaving a ton of characters with no real reason for being there. So for fans of the obscure one shot characters (like say, Sheeva or Reiko) who were looking forward to seeing their favourite fighters finally get the attention they deserved (or at least, some attention), the game failed entirely to live up to that expectation.

Meanwhile, the story itself was kind of stupid. Evidently having so many magical fighters will lead to the end of all realms (for some reason), and as a failsale, Taven's father Argus implemented the elemental, Blaze, to test Taven and Daegon in Mortal Kombat. The winner would be made into a god, and if Daegon wins, everyone dies, but if Taven wins, everyone just loses their powers. Then, when the bad guys find out about Blaze, they all battle for the right to fight him in the hopes of becoming gods themselves, and all the good guys rally together to stop them by claiming it first. So I guess it's as good an excuse as any for a battle royale, but in an effort to make it epic it became fairly artless. That said, the Konquest mode was fun, if short, and tied into a lot of pre-existing elements such as the Red Dragon, Lin Kuei temple, and Tekunin. But failing to account for the presence of all the other characters was, for me at least, a real letdown.

Not Quite Wrapped In Plastic

TV Review: The Killing, "Pilot" & "The Cage"

The murder of a Seattle teenager named Rosie Larsen devastates her family, threatens to disrupt a mayoral election and delays homicide cop Sarah Linden from moving to Los Angeles with her fiance. Stars Mireille Enos, Joel Kinnaman, Michelle Forbes, and Billy Campbell. The pilot was directed by Ed Bianchi, who has a lot of TV credits, including several episodes of The Wire and Deadwood. The series is being headed by Veena Sud, who has produced like a third of Cold Case and also wrote the pilot, and it is based on a Danish series called Forbrydelsen, which first aired in 2007 and is technically ongoing.

Last year, the conversation about AMC was much different. Mad Men and Breaking Bad are probably the best shows on TV, so that's a track record I can get behind, and it's that track record that encouraged me to endure a thirteen-episode season of Rubicon. But in April 2011, Rubicon has come and gone, and there's also been the very short first season of what looks like it will be a tolerable but nowhere near as good adaptation of The Walking Dead. And have you ever watched anything on AMC? It's one of the most annoying channels to watch on TV. I approached The Killing with trepidation. The two hour pilot didn't blow me away. But pilots can be tricky business and a strong series can have a mediocre pilot, or have strong pilots and be a mediocre series (see The Walking Dead). This is a big cast, and introducing them all at once was daunting. Of the ensemble, there are several standouts, including Mireille Enos' lead, as well as a few clear weak links, mostly the teenagers. Some moments of inspiration, some impressive performances, maybe enough to make this a worthwhile show, maybe only enough to fool us into thinking it is (see Rubicon). I'll give it the season.

Cry of the Fishmongers

Movie Review: Barton Fink

After his first Broadway play has him heralded as a visionary, Barton Fink takes a job for a film studio in Los Angeles. Tasked with writing a wrestling film, Fink finds himself crippled by writer's block, and taunted by a lone mosquito. Stars John Tuturro, John Goodman, John Mahoney, and Tony Shaloub. Directed and written by the Coen Brothers, Joel and Ethan, and released in 1991.

Barton Fink starts out as a fairly straightforward film with a lot of elements that can be mistaken as autobiographical, but those suspicions are quickly dispelled when the movie starts getting weird and surreal in the second act. While I suppose it is a statement on the corrupting nature of Hollywood and the perils of working in a town where reality isn't all it seems to be, it's also an examination of the hypocrisy of artists who claim to speak for the "common man." Tuturro's Fink is inspired by an idea of the common man yet is all but entirely repulsed by the reality them. The movie is filled with characters only the Coens could produce, reads like some sort of historical fantasy, and is simultaneously chilling and funny. This was an excellent period in a series of excellent periods for the Coen Brothers.

The Two Women in You

Movie Review: The Last Metro

Occupied Paris. Stage actress Marion Steiner hides her Jewish director husband Lucas in the cellar of the theatre they run together, where he directs in secret the play Marion is attempting to stage with her oddball band of thespians, all the while attempting to reconcile the attraction she has for newcomer and leading man Bernard Granger. Directed by Francois Truffault in 1981.

Romantic, witty, beautifully shot. Catherine Deneuve is uncompromisingly elegant; burly Gerard Depardieu is clumsily charming. Virtually any story told in Nazi-occupied anywhere benefits from the added element of tension, danger, and paranoia, and The Last Metro's just-trying-to-get-by Paris plays host to a number of varying attitudes in the face of occupation and defeat. An odd pacing makes it a bit hard to predict when it's going to end, but that might have something to do with the language barrier. Still, a great watch start to finish.

Chaos Reigns

Movie Review: Antichrist

After his wife is crippled with grief following the death of their son, a therapist takes her on as his patient and retreats to a remote cabin in the woods, but his treatment soon becomes overshadowed by a mounting fear and insanity in both of them. Stars Willem Dafoe and Charlotte Gainsbourg. Directed by Lars von Trier and released in 2009.

Antichrist is at first a two-man performance piece and a portrait of staggering grief, and Charlotte Gainsbourg in particular brings her talent to bear in a very complicated and demanding role. The film is beautifully shot and is peppered with surrealistic imagery that tends to start in wonder and slowly mutate into quiet horror. It's also shockingly graphic, with very explicit scenes of both sex and sexual violence making it easy to see why it was so upsetting to so many people. Though I applaud the efforts, though, I think that Antichrist is ultimately a failure; a failure by a master director, which lends it something worth seeing, but a failure. The film is a portrait of shared madness between lovers, which I think is a really meaty idea, and the film borrows thematically from Hour of the Wolf, Ingmar Bergman's movie on the same subject. But Antichrist becomes lost within itself, and suffers from being heavy-handed in its somewhat confused tone of feminism, which points the finger (or seems to) at women as its modern perpetrators. This isn't an argument without any merit, but it's difficult particularly for a man to make it without being labelled a misogynist (and this wouldn't be the first time he has been), and Antichrist tries to be too many things at once to pay due attention to any one of them. Thematically, it's clear that Lars von Trier has a lot to say about humanity, humanity's relationship with nature, humanity's relationship with itself, but while his insights may be worthwhile, the supernatural sheen he lends the film ultimately overshadows any message he conveys.

You Wanted a Hit

Movie Review: The Happening

America's plant life decides, in unison, to combat human development and expansion by releasing toxins that cause people to freeze, spout gibberish, and then commit suicide. High school teacher Elliot Moore and his wife Alma attempt to flee until the catastrophe passes. Stars Mark Wahlberg, Zoey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, and Ashlyn Sanchez. Directed and written by M. Night Shyamalan, and released in 2008.

Boring and stupid, The Happening suffers from a lot of problems that present themselves early and persist for the duration. It lacks a villain, for one, and even in terms of natural disaster movies, wind blowing through grass isn't ever going to look terrifying or even ominous. For another, its premise claims that plants are releasing a toxin that removes humanity's self-preservation instinct. Now, this presumes that once the instinct to preserve oneself is gone, one immediately tries to destroy itself, which is perhaps profound in one sense but is mostly just illogical, and again, not very scary or thrilling. The ecological overtone seems misguided and suffers from a confused philosophy, relying too heavily on human terms. If we don't curb our assault on nature, nature will assault us? That's not how it works. Nature simply continues on with indifference, and it is man who is the architect of his own demise. The message here, if anything, is that nature is out to get us. Not to mention, poor performances from actors who should know better playing characters we are not made to care about, absolutely no thrills or tension, and despite an R rating, was mild in virtually every aspect, particularly for a movie about mass suicide. Worst Shyamalan movie I've ever seen.

Best Friends Forever

Movie Review: High Tension (aka Switchblade Romance)

Marie joins the family of her friend Alexa in the French countryside during a break between semesters. Their vacation takes a horrific turn when the house is suddenly attacked by a man who brutally murders Alexa's family while Marie hides. The killer kidnaps Alexa and Marie must attempt to free her.

When High Tension first came out in 2003, director Alexander Aja was talked about like he was the next Christoph Gans. Eight years later, he has in the meantime directed the remake of The Hills Have Eyes, Mirrors, and Pirahna 3D, all ostensibly horror movies that are at best only okay. High Tension is at first a very straightforward story that benefits from its simple premise. It doesn't matter why this guy has killed everyone, but it's clear that he's seriously dangerous and Cecile de France as Marie the heroine is a great character. There's little talking, the action is uncompromisingly violent, and every scene just gets more and more intense. Then, for no goddamn reason and with like fifteen minutes left, there's a ridiculous twist that makes no fucking sense at all, and ruins the rest of the movie. Immediately thinking back on it, there are a bunch of scenes which couldn't have actually happened. So what, were these abstract flights of fancy? Daydreams of a second personality? And where the hell did this rape-o-truck come from in the first place? High Tension is a movie that sucked and didn't have to. To Aja, I say this: you had here a great film that distinguished itself from its genre, and then you tried to attach a zany premise which you overexplained. Four years after Fight Club, it's not going to blow anyone's mind.

Cut Your Teeth

Part 6 of a Mortal Kombat Retrospective

Deadly Alliance had been received well and though it was met with contempt and enthusiasm from polarized fans, who both criticized and praised its deviation from its original form, its sequel Mortal Kombat: Deception was released for the Playstation 2 and XBox two years later.

Deception picked up at the end of Deadly Alliance. As announced in the introductory movie, Shang Tsung and Quan Chi had successfully defeated Raiden's champions, killing Sonya, Jax, Kung Lao, Johnny Cage, and Kitana, and after an arduous battle, the two toppled Raiden as well. They immediately turned on each other, and Quan Chi bested Shang Tsung, only to be interrupted by the resurrected Dragon King - Onaga - who had been reborn in Reptile's body. Recognizing a much more powerful foe, Shang Tsung and Raiden rose to battle Onaga together, but when it was clear even their combined might was not enough, Raiden detonated his godlike essence, killing all three of them. But even this seemed to have no effect. Onaga then gathered an army and set out to destroy the universe.

Deception is, in my opinion, one of the most innovative titles in the series. Most of the staple hero characters were dead, allowing the game to include characters who had only appeared in one or two previous games. The only returning characters had designs that were incredibly reimagined: Raiden had been reborn as a dark and vengeful deity, Scorpion had become the champion of the Elder Gods, Sub-Zero had found ancient dragon armour that amplified his abilities, and Liu Kang had been reanimated as a zombie. Among other returning characters were Mileena, Baraka, Kabal, Nightwolf, Ermac, Sindel, Jade, Tanya, Bo'Rai Cho, Kenshi, Li Mei, and tag-team fighters Noob Saibot and Smoke. Filling out the cast were several new fighters, demon-hunting Ashrah, Black Dragon recruits Kira and Kobra, Havik from the realm of Chaos, Hotaru from Seido the realm of Order, Seidan rebel Darrius, and Seidan assassin Dairou. The game's protagonist was new character Shujinko.

The plot of Deception was laid out in a revamped Konquest mode, where players took control of Shujinko, and followed him from a young age to his elder years as he traversed the realms, learning combat techniques from other fighters, and collected the Kamidogu at the behest of a mysterious being called Damashi. Konquest allowed some extra weight to the new characters in the game, particularly Ashrah, Hotaru, and Onaga himself. Damashi was revealed to be a puppet of Onaga who had tricked Shujinko into collecting the Kamidogu. With the Kamidogu, Onaga could merge all existence in all realms into a single entity known as the One Being, effectively ending the universe. Character biographies were told in the first-person, each character relating their own reasons for kombat, and the endings were narrated either by Shujinko or Raiden. The story also made more serious Deadly Alliance veterans Li Mei and Bo'Rai Cho, who had previously been something of throwaway one-shot characters. Though many of the new characters were well done, some served as simply representatives of the newly revealed realms. Specifically, Darrius and Dairou held little weight to the plotline, and their somewhat generic appearances and inexplicable movesets led to them being approached with indifference. Hotaru threatened to have the same problems, but I thought his single-minded resolve and vendetta with Kenshi and Sub-Zero put him more organically into the world. The game was also an important milestone in the plot as it revealed that Noob Saibot was in fact the original Sub-Zero reborn in the Netherealm after his death in the first Mortal Kombat.

The fighting engine was an elaboration on the one from Deadly Alliance. Each character had two unarmed fighting styles and one weapon, but the addition of combo-breakers allowed fighters to interrupt long string combos, avoiding infinite juggles that plagued the previous game. It also added a somewhat useless status bar, letting players know when their foes were vulnerable. There was considerably more environmental interaction, with multi-tier arenas, unique weapons that could be picked up, and death-traps, which were effectively stage fatalities that could be used at any point during the fight and end the round. Each character had two Fatalities as well as a Hara-Kiri which they could initiate after being defeated, causing their character to commit suicide. The team-up of Noob and Smoke was also a unique game mechanic, switching characters as one would normally switch stances. Noob-Smoke served as the sub-boss before Onaga, and as they could strike from both sides in rapid succession, were a difficult enemy. The game was also the first in the series to feature an online mode, which was in 2004 still not common amongst fighting games.

"Though Test Your Might" and "Test Your Sight" were removed, new modes of play were added including "Chess Kombat," which was a lot like Archon; and "Puzzle Kombat," a competitive Tetris-like game. The game received a port to Gamecube the following year, which added exclusive fighters Goro and Shao Kahn. Unfortunately the justification for their return (as both characters were killed before Deadly Alliance) was that they had faked their deaths, which was kind of lame when their deaths were such big deals. Additionally, it made Goro evil again. That, and the lack of online play, led to the Gamecube port being less well-received than the other versions.

Nevertheless, Deception was Midway's fastest-selling game, and received more praise from critics than any game in the series since Mortal Kombat II. Midway, still in the throes of financial distress, was quick to capitalize, and soon announced a new adventure game, Mortal Kombat: Shaolin Monks to be released the following year. Set in the time of Mortal Kombat II, the game allowed players to take control of Liu Kang and Kung Lao as they ventured into the Outworld and attempted to defeat Shao Kahn. Shaolin Monks received generally favourable reviews. The gameplay was solid and as gruesome as one would expect from Mortal Kombat, and the boss fights with iconic characters were fun and occasionally pretty intense. Though the story suffered from poor dialogue and a somewhat juvenile relationship between Liu Kang and Kung Lao, it appeased fans who enjoyed revisiting the most popular game of the series.

Sock

Let's Make Sandwiches

This was another bad one that we really fucked the dog on. It's a sock (which isn't clear) in a dryer (also unclear) dancing to "You Spin Me." Because it's in a dryer, which spins. It had arisen from the desire to make a joke about where socks lost in the dryer go, but it ended up not even being about that at all.

A Vast and Strange Place

Game Review: Super Mario World

Dinosaur Land is under the brutal tyranny of the Koopa King Bowser. Yoshi and his dinosaur friends have been imprisoned in giant eggs, and all hope seems lost, but in kidnapping the Princess Toadstool, Bowser has crossed the wrong plumber. Mario and Luigi ally themselves with Yoshi and engage Bowser and his forces to free the Princess and save Dinosaur Land. Directed by Tezuka Takashi and series creator Miyamoto Shigeru, originally released in 1990 for the Super Nintendo Entertainment System, but played on an emulator with a modded Xbox.

Fun, adorable, hard, inventive, frustrating, rewarding. Great music. I sucked at it, but it converted a former Sonic fanboy.

No Reason

Movie Review: Rubber

In the California desert, for no reason, a tire stirs from its slumber, learns how to stand upright, move, and use telekinetic powers to explode beer bottles, rabbits, and human heads. He goes on a murderous rampage. Stars Stephen Spinella, Jack Plotnick, Wings Hauser, and a tire named Robert. Written and directed by Quentin Dupieux, also known as Mr. Oizo. 2010.

An unorthodox and enterprising movie with a sometimes overbearing metafictional aspect, Rubber announces that it is derived of the style of cinematic no reason, but poorly articulates its thesis. The film is funny, gruesome, and frequently tense, but clearly thinks it's much smarter than it actually is, and by the time the fourth-wall-breaking antagonist begins to grow tired of having to continue to work as long as he has an audience, I've begun to wish I wasn't it. It's worth a look, and the effect of animating a tire though simple is very well done. It's an experiment that would have been better served as a short film as opposed to a feature. Very self-aware post-modernism tends to be more effective in smaller doses. Or books.