Your Hope is an Illusion, Old Fool

Game Review: Starcraft II: Wings of Liberty

Jim Raynor and his rebel forces attempt to capture ancient alien artifacts to sell on the black market and fund their revolution to destabilize Arcturus Mengsk' tyrannical stranglehold on the Koprulu Sector, but soon finds himself at the centre of a scheme to return Kerrigan's humanity and remove the leadership of the Zerg. Meanwhile, Zeratul warns from the shadows that an apocalyptic threat is on the horizon. Stars the voice talents of Robert Clotworthy, Tricia Helfer, Frank Tatasciore, Neil Kaplan, and Brian Bloom. Technical design by Dustin Browder, artistic design led by Samwise Didier, and written by Chris Metzen. Released for PC in 2010.

There's a lot to like about Starcraft II. The position has been taken that the gameplay formula and rock-paper-scissors strategies of the original are good enough and don't need to be messed with. The game looks beautiful, plays fluidly, and rewards experimentation, ingenuity, and unpredictability. Even as a guy who's not very good at it, I know I'm playing a great game. However, Starcraft II fails to surpass its predecessor in pretty much every field but technology. Does it need to be surpassed? I suppose that's a whole other discussion. The single-player campaign is my major complaint. It's very fun to play, don't get me wrong. It's challenging and has a lot of replay value, and is a unique experience from the multiplayer. That's about it. The new characters are very shallow and one-dimensional, and the veteran characters ring false more often than true. The dialogue is atrocious, and while the original's briefings were admittedly limited in scope, at least they had a little talent behind them. This feels spread very thin. All that aside, there are some glaring story elements that just don't make any sense. Its saving grace is a series of side missions involving Zeratul, but they only last so long and fail to make up for the absence of a full protoss campaign. I really hope that the negative response to the campaign will result in some improvement in the expansions to come, but I'm not going to hold my breath. Starcraft II's gameplay is enough to make it a success, but it's not a work of art. I think a legacy has ended.

You're Gonna Miss This Ass

Game Review: Uncharted 2: Among Thieves

Nathan Drake and his partners in crime begin a globe-trotting search for the missing fleet of Marco Polo, but soon find themselves in a desperate race to Shambhala against a power-crazed maniac. Stars the voice talents of Nolan North, Claudia Black, Emily Rose, Steve Valentine, and Graham McTavish. Directed by Amy Hennig and Bruce Straley, game design led by Neil Druckmann and Richard Lemarchand. Released for Playstation 3 in 2009.

Generally with video games you have to apply a few blinders. Dialogue is only ever rarely going to be masterful, voice acting is going to be, best case scenario, at par. Obviously as the industry has expanded some of these have been ironed out or improved, but Uncharted 2 leapt ahead, and gave us a game that was spectacularly cinematic and gave blockbuster movies a run for their money. Uncharted 2 is written better than many films, and while the gameplay is fun and the graphics are gorgeous and lifelike, it's the strength of that script that carries the player along, and it's a desire to see what happens next that propels you. The characters are exceptionally well-drawn, the voice acting is top notch, and whole sequences of the playable game involve good lines and great cinematography. The world is incredibly immersive and detailed, and the story itself is exciting and tense, with a degree of supernatural restraint not often seen in games. Uncharted 2 is a masterpiece of its genre.

Blood Orgy!

Game Review: Mortal Kombat

Seconds from death at the hour of Armageddon and the hands of Shao Kahn, Raiden sends a message back through time to his earlier self: "He must win." What follows is a retelling of the first three titles on a potentially different timeline. If this sounds familiar it's because you've seen 2009's Star Trek. Stars the voice talents of Richard Epcar, Garret T. Sato, Megan Hollingshead, and Bob Carter. Directed by series co-creator Ed Boon with design led by John Edwards and Paulo Garcia. Released for XBox 360 and Playstation 3.

An explosive, detailed, and careful return to form. The fighting engine is fantastic, the graphics are impressive, and the game is, by a fairly wide margin, the most violent of the series. The inclusion of the Challenge Tower and multiple modes of play allow for greater replayability in both single and multiplayer. My only complaints are trifling: I feel like the alternate costumes could look more distinctive, in most cases they could easily have been the primary; some of the fatalities are pretty much shot-for-shot remakes from earlier games; and the Krypt has an arbitrary and illogical navigation. Nevertheless, a lot of fun, and a welcome addition for veteran fans of the series and enthusiasts of fighting games in general. The Story Mode is spectacular, and such a straightforward idea I'm amazed this is the first fighter to do it. While the story itself tends towards the cheeseball, there are still some moments of what I'm willing to call stirring beauty.

How to Get Excommunicated

A Maximum Orange Easter Special

After all the necromancy, Norse runes, Halloween parties, Dungeons & Dragons, eating meat on Fridays, living in air-conditioned homes, sleeping on a bed whose head points east, and gay sex, I know at this point I'm not exactly Catholic in the eyes of God, which is a good start, but what about God's insidious army, the Catholic Church? Legally, they still own my soul, which might sound like no big thing, but the prospect of transubstantial possession just rubs me the wrong way. Maybe I've just seen one too many episodes of Quantum Leap.

So you want to get excommunicated? It's surprisingly difficult. I know, "It's the Catholic Church, shouldn't they hate me?" On paper, though, they hate what you do, believe in, live for, and will fight to defend, but they don't hate you specifically. Or, like, they don't hate your physical body. The numbers of people who are raised Catholic and then mature into sin are difficult to come by, and the Church is probably content to leave it that way, so that the religiously confused can feel even more alone and ostracized. The Church is banking on passionate changes of heart, and so are hesitant to sever ties with even the most wayward of lost souls. Reviewing Catechistic precedent, automatic excommunication becomes easier the higher up the Catholic hierarchy you get. Priests and bishops get the express aisle. For the rest of us, three major options are available.

Heresy - Speak up and let everyone know about your dark and various gods. Promote your blasphemy in a public forum and an official capacity, and according to Catholic law, you're out. But you can't just be joking, so atheists are out of luck. If in fact you have joined a cult, though, you're all set.

Desecration - If you have access to the Eucharist, consider it an in. Throw it in the garbage, feed it to ducks, serve it on a cheese platter, and if enough people see you, you are automatically excommunicated. Unfortunately you can't just steal the unsanctified wafers; those are just crackers. You have to wait until the crackers are imbued with the sweet essence of Christ, which would probably entail attending a mass. This is actually one of the easier methods, but you gotta be pretty fucking brazen.

Papal Harassment - Physically assaulting the Pope is by far the most secure way to get excommunicated, and sounds the funnest, but is inevitably the most difficult these days - thank you very much Mehmet Ali Agca - and may get you shot, or impaled on a Swiss Guard halberd.

The Australian Atheist Foundation advises those seeking excommunication to write letters to their local priests. This yields no results; priests lack the power to excommunicate and will not refer you to someone who can. They will instead reply that if you seek to be excommunicated, then you must recognize a power to the Church, and if you do, shouldn't you stay in it? And if you don't, then why bother excommunicating? They will hope you are guilty of the sin of sloth and appeal to your lethargy. You instead have to write your local bishop, probably several times. Your correspondence must verify your Catholicism with details of your baptism, demonstrate that you know what excommunication is and that you totally want it, as well as give an example of your apostasy, in both intent and action. You have to mean it, and something has to have happened, otherwise you're just a bad churchgoer. Fail on any of these grounds and your pleas will be ignored. Be polite. It's recommended you avoid getting into why you want to be excommunicated, as this can lead to appeals to your sensibilities, which even if they fail draw the process out longer and threatens to prey on your indifference. But persevere, and you will hopefully, eventually, be a free agent soon enough.

Mormons have it slightly easier. They just have to make sexy calendars. Which I don't endorse, but I do enjoy.

Skunk

Movie Review: Half Baked

Thurgood, Brian, Scarface, and Kenny are best friends connected largely by their love of getting stoned. On a snack run, Kenny accidentally kills a diabetic police horse and ends up in prison, where the threat of being anally raped constantly looms. His friends resort to stealing and selling pot to raise bail money. Stars Dave Chappelle, Jim Beurer, Harland Williams, and Guillermo Diaz. Written by Chappelle and Neal Brennan, and directed by Tamra Davis, fairly prolific and generic comedy director whose credits include Crossroads. 1998.

As they were produced in the same year, Half Baked and The Big Lebowski can't really help but invite comparison, and especially in that light, Half Baked is a fucking disaster. It's not funny, its characters are unsympathetic caricatures of do-nothing idiot stoners, and it seems to have a low opinion of the people for whom it was ostensibly made. Now fine, Lebowski is maybe more high brow, but whatever, Half Baked wasn't even low brow funny. And what kind of stoner comedy ends with the main character giving up pot for a girl whose only real attraction is that she will have sex with him? Unstimulating, insulting, and who the hell shoots a scene in front of Sam the Record Man when you're trying to disguise Toronto as New York? I mean, christ, at least pretend to make an effort.

Fun, Rich, Always in Trouble

Movie Review: The People vs. Larry Flynt

A chronicle of the rise to power of Hustler founder Larry Flynt, and his excruciatingly long legal battle over the limits of the first amendment. Stars Woody Harrelson, Courtney Love, Ed Norton, and Brett Harrelson. Directed by Miloš Forman. 1996.

Even as your watching it, The People vs Larry Flynt seems charitable to Larry Flynt, but really, he could use a fucking break, and the film doesn't pretend to be a beat-by-beat life story, omitting such details as Flynt's other wives and second lawyer (the one who actually got shot). Even so, the story of Larry Flynt is an important one to tell, and it is told well here. Harrelson plays Larry Flynt the infamous douche with a heart of gold, and also sells his disability. And seriously, who better to cast as skanky junkie Althea than Courtney Love, the modern queen of the skanks? This is a great movie for enthusiasts of both pornography and civil liberties. It turns out I've seen a few other films by director Forman, but hadn't been paying him any formal attention. If anyone can recommend any of his Czech films I'd like to give them a try.

Big Trees & Pissy Little Bugs

Movie Review: Animal Kingdom

After the death of his mother, teenager Joshua moves in with the family from which his mother was estranged, a notorious crime family in Melbourne, in which he quickly becomes assimilated and complicit. Stars James Frencheville, Ben Mendehlsohn, Guy Pearce, and Jacki Weaver. Written and directed by David Michôd, and released last year.

A surprisingly compelling crime drama, Animal Kingdom hinged largely upon the depth of newcomer James Frencheville's talent, and he delivers a performance that seems at first fairly simple but becomes a much more demanding role as the film progresses. An added benefit is a very well-written and believable character, who acts like a regular teenager in extraordinary circumstances. The rest of the ensemble cast is exemplary, each member of the family very well-drawn and organic. Mendehlsohn's Andrew is an especially terrifying presence, at once quiet, unassuming, and psychotic, and Weaver's sinister/motherly grandmother is superb. A couple of false endings damage the pace of the film, but the viewer is never disappointed that they stuck around. One of the best films of 2010 I've seen.